Moo (lord_sponge) wrote in hellsing_sues,
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Delving into the 'R' rated fics...

I'd like to thank everyone for participating and helping this community to grow. Now on with the show!

After the Jan Valentine 'story' posting below, I realised that something had been lacking in this community. And that would be... 'R' rated fics!

As you may know, I am very disappointed when I find a Sue story without looking. When I flicked to 'R' this story was found at the very top, the very first in the list. I am trying not to cry at just how upsettingly easy it is to find Sues. I reckon, nineteen to a Pit of Voles page. Out of twenty. *weep*

This also marks my first use of the LJ cut feature, something long overdue...

Story Or Series Title: Army of No Lives
Fandom: One with A Voyeuristic Vampire, an Ice Queen From Hell and A Sissy Bitch Called Seras... or so the fic writers seem to think...
Author's Name: Devilman666

Full Name (plus titles if any): Sieghardt
Full Species(es): Nosferatu.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Presumably black, "his hair was the same (as Alucard's) but it was longer and pulled into a ponytail."
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None mentioned
Special Possessions (if any): Dresses just like Alucard!

Annoying Origin: For the full description, you have to read it to truly get the humour of it.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Alucard's son from the future who... well you should read it.
Annoying Special Abilities: Just about everything Alucard does, but without the cool characterization
Other Annoying Traits: It's laughable just how random his appearance is. It's all laughable. It's a Sue story all right.

(I HAD to put Chapter 2 up in full here. It's stupid just how stupidly crazy it all sounds. It's feels even more random than the first chapter 'oh and there was a big vampire there'!)

Chapter 2: Explanations and the Paladin

Disclaimer: I don’t own Hellsing or BloodRayne (this isn’t going to be a crossover, but a name in here comes from BloodRayne 2)

“ I said ‘I am not my father’ for the simple fact that Alucard is my father. ('Sieghardt, I am your father!' 'NO! It can't be! Oh wait, you're right' 'I SO wish I wasn't') Or more he will be. You see I am not from here; I’m not even born yet. You see (YOU SEE?! Stop saying that, you see? YOU SEE IT'S ANNOYING?) I am from 25 years into the future. I was brought back here in a fight for the La Magra Dagger.” Began Sieghardt “ I fought a vampire by the name of Kagan over that dagger.

“Okay, but that still doesn’t explain how you went through time.” Said the slightly annoyed Integral

“ I’m getting to that. Anyway, during the fight our powers somehow mixed in with those of the dagger, causing a time portal to be opened. We were both thrown into a different time period. We were thrown 350 years into the past. I was able to beat him, but I couldn’t let the dagger get into his hands. So I broke it into three pieces and hid it on different parts of the world.” (Isn't that a bit like the plot to Soul Calibur 2?)

“ Okay, so how do you expect to find them?” asked Integral

“I gained a map of where I hid them, and then purposely forgot so that the enemy couldn’t search my thoughts when we met again (Kill. Me. Now. This is stupid. Purposely forgot? *gag*). He has found a way to search them out. He came across one of the pieces not too long ago, and with that piece he can find another. And then the last piece can be found, and the dagger connected. Which is something I don’t think you or anyone want.” Said Sieghardt

(Although rules are meant to be broken, I would like to request that the author sticks to the Show Don't Tell rule in future)

“Okay, I don’t really believe you on the Alucard thing, but I do believe you on the Dagger. I have heard legends of it.” Began Integral, starting to lean back in her chair. “ But one question: Where is the map?”
Without warning Sieghardt walked over to Integral and bent over her desk, his tall form reaching to the other side.

“ Right under your nose, literally.” Said Sieghardt as he poked the cross that was on the blue tie of Integral’s shirt.

“ What, this thing isn’t a map.” Said a somewhat startled Hellsing

“ Oh, yes it is.” Said the Vampire

With that, he pulled the cross form her tie and the twisted it. What should have happened was a bending of metal, but it didn’t happen that way. Instead there was a click. When Integral looked she could see Sieghardt was holding a red stone in his hand.

“ This is a chunk of the center stone of the dagger. I did break it into three pieces, but this chipped by accident.” Said Sieghardt. He placed the cross back together, handing it back to Integral who placed it on the desk. He then stood the small diamond shaped crystal on the table, one of the points down.

He spun it, what happened next was amazing. The entire room filled with a bright red light, then what looked like landscapes. They passed through place after place after place finally ending up in what looked like a huge valley, but it had snow-capped mountains. It the zoomed to a village of Asian people then back to the office.

“ What, or where, the hell was that?!” asked an astounded Integral

“ The Everest Mountain Range. This is a map that shows the locations to the user, the real locations. It isn’t 2-D so that is why it looked like we were suddenly there and back. It works pretty well.” Said Sieghardt

Integral was about to ask something more when Walter burst into the room.

“ Lady Hellsing, the Vatican has come back, and Alexander Anderson is attacking our team… and, may I ask whom you are?” asked Walter who had finally seen Sieghardt.

“ Hello Walter, my name is Sieghardt. But I think further, and more formal, introductions will have to wait seeing as how the Judas Priest has decided to attack. I think I’ll take care of him.” Began Sieghardt “ Integral, please fill Walter in on what I have told you, while I deal with this little problem.” With that Sieghardt phased through the floor.

“ Who was that, and how did he know my name?” asked Walter (This is all trickery, Walter knows he's a vampire. He's just distracting him while the paino wire gets into place... I hope)

“ Sit down and I’ll explain.” Said Integral, now beginning to trust this new Nosferatu (SP?) (Yeah because Integra SO trusts vampires. I mean, look at her relationship with Alucard!)

Little did they know a pair of crimson eyes had been watching Integral and Sieghardt’s conversation. He had decided to watch and see if Sieghardt could take on the Judas Priest on his own.

(So that's where Alucard went! I was wondering was he left an unfamiliar and probably uber-godlike Nosferatu alone with his Master. How in-character!)

Old Factory

Seras’s POV

‘ I can’t believe this; we go on a mission to hunt one simple vampire, a FREAK even. And then this guy shows up, I hope Master will get here soon. He is the only one who can take him down, I mean he is immortal.’ I began to think as I began to remember the Incognito incident. Even before then I had had feelings for the elder Vampire but never showed it, and this wasn’t the time to think about that stuff. I was currently looking right at the Paladin known as Alexander Anderson, who took down most of the team and then began to go after me.

Normal POV (Gosh, how professional and atmospheric!)

“All creatures of evil shall be sent to an eternity in hell. Amen.” Said Anderson

She had been chased into what looked like an underground parking garage while trying to outrun the crazy Vatican soldier.

“ Say goodnight, filthy creature.” Was the last thing she heard as the blade came straight toward her.

She held up her gun trying to stop it, but it would do no good. It would probably go through the gun. But when she heard the sound of the blade piercing flesh she opened her eyes to see the blade had gone through the arm of a red trench coat.

“ Master!” yelled the surprised fledgling. (She's not dead? So why bother saying Anderson was the 'last thing she heard')

“ Sorry, not him.” Said a voice that did not belong to him. When she looked she saw Sieghardt standing there with the knife in the left arm that had extended to protect her. (Super Stu to the rescue!)

“ Who are you?” asked Seras (Being 100% totally in character, she's super happy to see an vampire Alucard rip off save the day. And it's a bonus, because he's a Big Strong Man. Later tonight Seras will have a pillow party with Integra...)

“ My name is Sieghardt, and it seems to me that this asshole is giving you a bit of trouble.” Said Sieghardt as (as, as, as, as... I'm sensing a pattern)a huge smirk began to appear on his face. “ Leave this Judas Priest to me.”

Seras merely nodded. Something had struck her. This guy Sieghardt looked like her Master, but much younger.

“ So another one wants to die.” Said Alexander “ Well let’s see how well you can do.” (Ae be dystraught oer Anderson lack o accent! At least mention it!)

Sieghardt began to walk forward, and dislodging the knife in his arm, stood right in the middle of the paladin and Seras.

“ Alright Vatican’s bitch, I’m about to teach you what happens when you mess with us.” He then charged forward into the battle with Alexander Anderson.

(Why is this 'R'? It'll 'pop-up' in the later chapters I suppose :) Urgh. So it's AxS IXOC? I'd rather not read the later chapters...)

AN: Sorry to end it like that but I want to make sure I have a good fight scene between these two. R and R. I will try to update as soon as I can.

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