_vampire_girl_ (_vampire_girl_) wrote in hellsing_sues,

uh....heh heh.

All right, for any of you who might be members of hellsingreviews, you'll probably have already seen this. I posted it there a while ago, but I think it's probably more appropriate for this site. Yes, that's right. It's a mary-sue parody fic. It came to me at a time when I did not realize or assume that such a thing had been done before. "Ah ha!" thought, I. "I shall create a horrid mockery of these things which disgust me so, thus providing a humorous release for my boundless rage!" It was not really meant to reach public eye, yet, as things often go, I decided "what the hell," and here it is. For your presumed amusement, I present now to you:

It was a dark and stormy night, and as Marie looked up at the imposing old building, she shivered. Were it not for the torrents of rain, she would never have considered entering this place. There were rumors…small whisperings that could be heard late nights at the oldest of the local taverns. Not that she would ever visit such places, of course…but her friends Tom Luther and Cathy Jones had.

Timidly, she placed a cold and clammy hand onto the surface of the door, before at last gathering the courage to knock.

“What am I doing?” She thought miserably. “I’m sure that everyone is probably already asleep…”

To her surprise, after a moment’s time, the door cracked open, light spilling across her soaked form. An older gentleman with a monocle was peering out at her with a questioning look in his eyes.

“May I help you, young lady?”

Marie nodded shakily, then swallowing her nervousness, asked if there was a room for the night that she might be able to stay in.

“At least until the storm passes,” she added hastily, not wanting to intrude.

The truth was that Marie really didn’t have anywhere else to go. Her parents had been killed in a plane crash when she was only three. She alone had crawled from the wreckage unharmed. Marie bit her lip to fight such memories from resurfacing and smiled hopefully at the man who still stood regarding her.

“Well, you’ll have to speak with the Lady of the house,” he said at last.

Stepping away from the door he allowed her entrance into the building. In truth, it was not much warmer inside than it was outside, but the thought of warm blankets and a bed were reassurance enough.

She began following the man as he led her through halls and up grand stairways. Marie sighed as she imagined what it might be like to have such luxuries. She fingered the snake’s rattle that hung from her neck, and stared in awe at the large tapestries and oil paintings that adorned each spacious room or hall.

At last, the man came to a stop and, laying a hand on one of two large double doors before him said, “Sir Helsing waits within.” He then pushed open the door.

Marie wondered briefly if she must have been mistaken when the man had mentioned the “lady” of the house earlier, but as the door closed swiftly behind her, she felt the urgency to move farther into the room.

The room’s decorations were sparse to say the least. On one wall a painting of a young, yet haggard-looking man hung. Against the wall across from her, a large desk lay in front of many windows. Presuming the man behind the desk to be Sir Hellsing, Marie stepped forward.

“Er…excuse me. You must be Sir Helsing?”

The man looked up from a large pile of papers and regarded her with a cool gaze.

“I am.”

“Oh!” squeaked Marie as she realized her mistake. “You’re a woman!”

Sir Hellsing sighed. “Yes…yes I am. Now would you please come forward and explain who you are, and what you are doing here?!”

Marie took a few shaky steps forward, barely conscious of the puddle she had been steadily creating on the checkered tile floor. (A/N-It’s RAIN…not PEE! HAHAHH!!!!1111!)

“M-my name is Marie…Marie Sue.” She laughed suddenly, as though embarrassed. “But, everybody just calls me Marie.”

Integra seemed about to comment, when Marie let out a sudden scream. Integra followed the girl’s gaze up to the ceiling where a man’s head and shoulders could be seen poking out, upside down.

“And who might this be?” asked the figure with the raven hair as he slid to the ground.

Marie noticed the way the strange man was staring at her, and had the sudden urge to cross her arms over her pulchritudinous chest.

“I was just finding that out, Alucard. Your participation is not welcome.”

Marie looked back and forth between the two of them. “Did he just…did you just see…what are you?!” Her gaze was now on the strange man in the medieval attire.

Alucard gave an evil grin revealing unnaturally sharp canines.

“Vampire! Nosferatu! No Life King!” The girl cried suddenly.

Alucard nodded slowly and turned to Sir Integra.

“I think I like this girl. She knows her stuff.”

“Enough,” Integra snapped. “Girl, what can the holy organization of Helsing do for you?”

Marie was quickly reminded of the storm raging outside and quickly asked if she could stay for a night.

Integra pulled off her glasses and sat silently for a moment, thinking.

Then she shrugged. “Okie dokie!”

“Before Walter shows you your room…can you tell me…” she sighed. “It’s rather embarrassing really, but I can’t seem to place your nationality…”

Marie laughed. “Oh, don’t worry. Almost no one can. I’m half-goth. On my mother’s side,” she added helpfully.

“Ah, yes. I hadn’t considered that possibility. That would explain it, then.” Integra became suddenly engrossed in her paperwork once more, leaving Marie to stare at the vampire that had been watching her.

“I know kung fu,” she whispered. “I was trained in um…China. For 4 years.”

Alucard merely grinned wickedly and faded into mist.

Marie sighed. She hated admitting to herself that he frightened her. Yet at the same time, it was as if there was some sort of unexplainable attraction between them, already. Pondering these things, Marie left Sir Hellsing’s office and was led by Walter downstairs to her room.

“By mere chance and freak coincidence, you will be spending the night in the room next to Alucard’s. I would watch my neck if I were you.”

Marie shivered at the Angel of Death’s cold words. “Wait, who?!” she asked herself.

Shrugging, she entered the cold and uninviting little room. She had always been a little bit psychic, after all.

With a sigh of relief, Marie noticed a dresser up against the far wall. After a few minutes of inspecting it, however, she was dismayed to find only a black negligeieeie (sp.?) It was made of the finest silk she had ever seen, and when she put it on, she truly felt like a queen. It shimmered with almost supernatural beauty in the cold light of the single fluorescent light bulb.

Marie became suddenly aware of what felt like another presence in the room. “Don’t be silly, she whispered to herself. Just because your room is next door to a vampire’s and just because you know he can walk through walls doesn’t give him a reason to invade your privacy!”

“Hello, Marie,” came a low and tantalizing voice from behind her. Her breath catching in her chest, she whipped around. There was nothing there.

“Don’t play games with me, vampire!” she hissed angrily. Marie’s heart began to beat steadily faster, as the silence stretched on. After a moment, she felt a gloved hand upon her shoulder. She bit her lip to keep from screaming out and appearing frightened, but moaned plaintively when she realized that she had drawn blood from herself.

“Well, well. Now there are two virgins under this roof for me to taunt. How exciting,” the voice purred seductively. Marie felt her eyelids flutter closed as his hand moved along her neck and down towards her chest, only to realize that it was now grasping her necklace.

“What sort of girl wears a snake rattle around her neck?” enquired the creature behind her.

Marie snatched it out of his grasp. “The chief of an Indian tribe gave it to me when I saved their people from being wiped out by rattle snakes.”

Alucard chuckled and traced a finger along her lower lip, staining the glove with red. “Is that why it had ‘made in china’ inscribed on the bottom?”

Marie felt her face growing hot. “Get out of my room,” she whispered steely.

Alucard stepped out from behind her and gave her a toothy grin. “Ah, trying the Integra tactic, are we? I look forward to it.”

With that, the infuriating vampire left her room by way of door, and closed it firmly behind him.

(A/N- HeY, I jUsT hAd A rEaLlY bAd DaY aT sChOoL… -_- )


Marie was just finishing up a lovely breakfast, when Walter appeared in the doorway of the dining room and informed her that Sir Integra wished to see her.

Quickly dabbing at her mouth with a napkin, the tall, tan-skinned, brown-haired girl raced up the stairs and through the building until she had at last arrived at the double doors so familiar from last night.

She knocked on the door, and after hearing an ‘enter,’ pushed open the door and went inside.

“Good morning, Sir Integra,” Marie said cheerfully.

Integra was standing behind her desk smoking a cigar, and at quick glance, Marie could tell that her sentiments were not shared.

“I heard what you said yesterday,” Sir Integra began. “About having been trained in China.” She took a few steps away from her desk, and to Marie’s surprise, a loud and grating sound accompanied.

“Sir, I beg your pardon, but…what was that noise?” Sir Integra grimaced, and took a few more steps away from the large wooden object to reveal a hefty iron chain.

“Yes, it’s true. I’m chained to it. I sleep on a pillow underneath, if I ever sleep at all, that is.”

Marie shook her head at such a strange sight, but remembered that she had been called in for a reason. “Oh, you were mentioning my Kung Fu skills, Sir Integral?

“Ah yes. I had just recently been thinking that Helsing was in need of more strong girls like you. You seem like an experienced young woman, so I’m offering you a permanent position here at Helsing.”

Marie’s eyes widened in surprise. “But, ma’am, I’m not even sure what it is you do here!”

Sir Integra’s eyebrow’s raised, and she gave a small smile. “Your mission is simple. You are here for one reason, and one reason only. To attempt to have unnatural relations with MY PET VAMPIRE!”

Marie backed away at Sir Integra’s suddenly raised voice. “Sir?” She whimpered.


Horrified by Sir Helsing’s outburst, Marie fled from the room and down the hall, before running right into someone and falling down. Holding her head, Marie looked up at the person she’d just run into.

It was a girl, not much older than herself. She had blonde/orange hair, and was wearing a skimpy police girl outfit that for some reason made Marie want to roll her eyes and say “yeah right.” But, remembering that she was now going to be here for a very long time, she wanted to make a good impression.

“Hello there,” said the girl, while offering Marie a hand. Marie took it and was surprised by its warmness…er coolness…er…huh?

“Hi, I’m new here,” said Marie cheerfully. “The name’s Marie Sue, but you can just call me Marie.”

It seemed the girl was about to make her introduction as well, but was suddenly distracted by something that Marie couldn’t hear or see.

“Yes, master,” cried the girl. “I’m coming!”

Marie watched as the girl ran off down the hall. Shrugging, she dusted herself off and continued to roam about the old place.

A few hours later, she was outside enjoying a walk about the grounds. The sun was shining, and the breeze was just enough to lift her hair ever so slightly off of her slender shoulders.

After a while, she began realizing that she had somehow found her way to the darker, less well-kept area of the gardens. The sun didn’t seem to shine quite as brightly here, and she kept having the feeling that she was being watched.

Nevertheless, her curiosity was peaked by this area and she continued to stroll along, unaware of the horrors she might stumble upon.

At one point, while trailing her hand along an ivy covered stone wall, she stopped. To her surprise, she realized that she was feeling a door handle. Searching around on the ground, she found an old rusty key that unlocked the door in the wall, and she stepped inside. The garden inside was wild and untamed. Clearly, the gardeners had not set foot in here for years.

Twirling around in excitement, Marie was just about to run right into the center of the garden, when she suddenly skidded to a stop. The back of her hand flew to her mouth as she let out an inhuman shriek, her gaze riveted to the ground before her.

She was staring at a pit. An enormous pit. That wasn’t what had caused her to scream like a little girl, though. The pit was….full of various rodents of the genus Microtus and related genera, resembling rats or mice but having a shorter tail and limbs and a heavier body!!!

She recoiled in disgust, wanting to place herself as far from the pit as possible…yet she was strangely drawn to it at the same time…

Running from the garden, she did not stop or look back until she had reached the dark sanctuary of her cellar room.

Somehow, she did not know how…she slept. Her dreams had been full of dark crimson eyes, and a large pale chest that made her absolutely crazy with desire. But whose? That was the question in her mind as she awoke. Who could have a chest like that?

Stumbling out of bed, she reached up to massage her neck. It felt sore, as though…

“No!” She gasped. She ran to the small mirror, and craned her neck to the side. There they were…Two small puncture wounds. Nearly as crimson as the giver’s eyes, she thought. Those eyes that had followed her in her dreams. Those sad and sorrowful and lonely and poetic and romantic and lustful and eyes!

Again, just as the night before, she felt a presence entering her room. This time, she was ready.

“Why?!” sobbed Marie. “Whyyyyyyy?!” Tears streamed hotly down her face as she stared angrily at the man before her. She pointed at her neck before covering her face with her hands and shaking uncontrollably.

After a moment of sobbing, she realized he wasn’t coming to comfort her, and looked up. To her surprise, his expression was entirely blank.

“Er…that wasn’t me…” was all he said before calling out his servant’s name. The spunky young girl showed up quickly and stopped short when she saw Marie’s neck, still exposed.

“Seras…did you do that?” The police girl turned to stare at her master. “How could you think…”

Alucard nodded. “Alright, alright. I was just checking. People haven’t been acting like themselves lately, so I wondered…”

Seras shook her head and left quickly.

After a moment, Marie moved over to her bed and sat down. The thought that there could possibly be a third vampire in the Helsing home certainly worried her. She eyed Alucard suspiciously once more.

“Are you sure you didn’t…” she trailed off and shrunk back at the expression he gave her. As she did so, she felt something poke into the back of her shirt, and leaped up from the bed in surprise.

“Holy…” With trembling hands she pulled the fondue fork from her bed, and showed it to Alucard who promptly slapped his forehead and said “duh!”

Marie was only relieved for a moment, as she realized that the fondue fork’s placement couldn’t have been a freak accident. Tapping it on the inside of her palm, she tried to think of who could possibly have had access to both her room, as well as the fondue fork. Unfortunately, that left pretty much everyone.

“Alucard,” Marie said suddenly snapping herself free from her thoughts. “Will you help me figure out who’s trying to kill me?”

Alucard thought for a moment, and seemed to be struggling with himself. In a strained voice he finally eked out a small ‘yes.’

Marie’s brow furrowed in concern at the vampire’s strange behavior. “What’s wrong, Alucard?”

She screamed as he lunged at her, snarling, only to be stopped short and begin choking pitifully.

After a moment of staring at him with wide eyes, she saw that Alucard had calmed down.

“Marie,” he panted. “My world is being…” he grimaced and seemed to be fighting for the strength to speak. “My world is being sabotaged by an enemy even I can not fight.”

Marie watched in horror as the vampire suddenly burst into bloody tears and began wailing about unrequited love.

“Do you see…” Alucard pulled another ragged breath from the air, against his will. “Do you see what I’m reduced to?”

And then, as suddenly as it had all begun, the vampire’s tears had vanished, and he was regarding her coolly once more.

“That’s a cute little dress, hot stuff.” He suddenly appeared behind her, and slapped her behind. “How’d you like to spend an evening in a hard wooden box?”

This was too much! Marie threw her hands over her ears, and ran away from the man, just as she had run from Integra the day before. There was…there was something so wrong about this whole place!

She continued running, half-blind, until she reached the front door to the Hellsing organization. Without so much as a pause, or a look back, Marie burst through and disappeared.


Integra had been puffing away at her cigar for quite some time now, wracking her brain for answers as to what was going on with everyone. To her surprise, she suddenly felt a loosening around her ankle, and looked down.

“The chain,” she whispered. “Gone!” With a grim smile of satisfaction, she suddenly seemed to remember who exactly she was, and what exactly she was there for.

Down in the dungeons, a vampire grinned with extra pomposity, and began having lustful daydreams about…his next mission.

The Hellsing Organization was somehow back in order, and the girl known as Marie Sue?

She was never seen again.

The End.

PS- Still wondering who planted the fondue fork? Duh…the butler did it.

EDIT: Oh, and in case it isn't clear, this is sort of half making fun of mary-sues, and half making fun of the sorts of writers that often create them. (Hence future mispellings of things such as "Helsing" for example.) Go ahead and assume that anything awkward or annoying was definitely done on purpose, lol. ^_~
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